Many families will be gathering this holiday season. And some will notice that an aging loved one is not doing so well and may need help.
Care providers say they get more calls at this time of year with questions about how to step in, including how to talk about things like when to stop driving, when to hand over the checkbook or when to move.
Amy Goyer is AARP鈥檚 family and caregiving expert and she's navigated a lot of these difficult conversations.
"I've been a caregiver, really, my entire adult life," Goyer says. And she has some tips.
1. Talk early and often
The more you鈥檝e discussed and planned for the future, the easier it will be when it is time to make decisions. Don't wait until there's a crisis, Goyer says, and start with hypotheticals.
"For instance, if you're worried about your parent's living situation say, 'OK, you know you live on a five-acre-land and it鈥檚 a lot of work, and if there comes a time when it鈥檚 a little bit too much for you, let鈥檚 talk about what the options are,'" she says.
And have those conversations often, Goyer says, because situations change.
2. Timing matters
Where, when and how you bring up these conversations is also important.
鈥淣ot a good idea to bring up an intense conversation when someone鈥檚 tired," Goyer says. "So pay attention to your loved one鈥檚 rhythms 鈥� are they better in the morning or the evening?鈥�
For some people, she says it might be easier to start a tough conversation at the dinner table, or over a glass of wine. Others may be more receptive while taking a walk or doing something active.
3. Do your homework
Before you start one of these conversations, do your homework and spend time observing.
鈥淪aying broadly you鈥檙e not a good driver anymore is not going to help anybody," Goyer says. "But if you say, 鈥楳om, I noticed you have a lot of dents and dings on one side of the car. You know, it seems like maybe your vision might be impaired, let's get that checked.' Or if you're noticing close calls, close accidents, getting lost."
Goyer says to take note of those things so you can provide specifics as to why it may be time for them to hand in their keys.
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4. Have options and alternatives to suggest
Goyer says never bring up a change unless you have realistic alternatives to offer. For example, if the subject is driving, she says you'll want to be able to say, 鈥淗ere's how we're going to use Uber or Lyft 鈥� you know, here's how we're gonna use neighbors and friends and volunteers. Here's where I'm going to take you. Or you're going to live in a place that has transportation.鈥�
If you believe your aging loved one needs support at home, be ready to explain who could help and how it could be paid for. If you believe your loved one should move, investigate housing options, costs and locations, as well as activities, meals and services offered there.
5. Be respectful
Remember, you're all on the same team.
鈥淲e're not trying to take over somebody's life," Goyer says. "And we're not talking to someone like they鈥檙e a child. You know, the biggest mistake you can make is talk about and think that you're parenting your parents.鈥�
Your roles may be changing, she says, but you don't become their parent: "And if you talk to them like you are, they're not going to respond very well. You wouldn't either."
Instead, Goyer says try to frame your conversations around caring, support and empathy.
鈥淐hange is hard for people, no matter how old you are," she says. "Listen to them and validate what they're feeling. Ask them what their fears are. Ask them, you know, how they feel about a situation? 'Do you ever feel like you really liked to have a little bit more help around the home? Or do you ever feel unsafe?'"
6. "I" statements help
Make it a conversation and use lots of "I" statements.
"Instead of saying YOU shouldn鈥檛 be driving try: 'I'm concerned Mom, I'm concerned about your safety, I'm concerned that you might hurt someone else, you know, I worry about you,'" Goyer says.
And if you鈥檙e still struggling, she says sometimes the right people at the table can make all the difference. Which is why she says it may be important to include a certain family member your loved one listens to, or a respected adviser such as a lawyer, doctor, faith or community leader or friend.
An objective third party like a , counselor, or might also help.
These discussions are so hard, Goyer says, because they鈥檙e emotional for everyone and they鈥檙e about loss. Which is why she says it鈥檚 so important to keep love and respect at their heart.
Have questions, comments or tips? or reach out to reporter Nina Keck:
